I am desperately trying to break generational cycles and move away from traditional, fear-based parenting. But sometimes, as parents, we find ourselves in the grey area between what we know we should do and what we do in the moment.
I’m not talking about the empty threats or ominous warnings many of us heard growing up:
“If you sit too close to the TV, you’ll go blind.”
“If you keep making that face, it’ll get stuck like that.”
“If Becky jumped off a bridge, would you?”
I’m talking about real-life situations involving health and safety, where the consequences are real, but our delivery isn’t always perfect.
I’ve spoken about this before, but for those of you who are new here, I live with OCD in the form of intrusive thoughts surrounding my son’s health and well-being. The smallest things can send me into a spiral late at night that I cannot escape.
My son, who is almost 5 years old, rarely used a pacifier as a baby. He didn’t suck his thumb, but he did suck on his pointer and middle fingers for comfort. He could sit that way for hours. I assumed he would eventually outgrow it.
When he was still doing it at age three, I tried everything other parents suggested: reward charts, talking about germs, redirection, and even dipping his fingers in white vinegar. Nothing worked.
By age four, his overbite had become significant. He could stick his tongue through his teeth while his mouth was closed. The dentist explained that he might eventually need orthodontic treatment involving a metal appliance attached to the roof of his mouth.
When we got home, I searched for pictures online. My son burst into tears. He did not want that appliance in his mouth. In a moment of desperation, I told him that metal was sharp and would poke his fingers if he kept putting them in his mouth.
Clearly, this was not my finest parenting moment. But he never put his fingers in his mouth again and I’m happy to report that his overbite has slowly begun correcting itself.
Another time my parenting veered into fear-based territory was when my son was four and repeatedly unbuckled his harness while we were driving.
After trying countless reminders and explanations, I finally showed him a crash test dummy video from YouTube and explained that seatbelts keep our bodies safe in an accident. He has not unbuckled himself since.
And now, here we are nearing the end of junior kindergarten and like many 5-year-olds, my son does not always wipe thoroughly at school. The teachers understandably encourage independence, so he occasionally comes home with stains in his underwear.
Lately, he had begun using his finger to scratch when he felt itchy from leftover poop. I explained many times that poop carries germs and can make us sick. I gently encouraged him to use toilet paper instead. But he continued using his finger.
Last Friday, we spent three hours in the emergency department because his finger became infected. Turns out, it was likely related to a hangnail. Thankfully, antibiotics worked quickly and his finger healed completely. The doctor told us that had we waited longer, they may have needed to drain the infection.
Do I think my son will use his finger to scratch his bum again? Probably not.
Parenting is humbling because there are no perfect answers. I’m trying very hard to break generational cycles but sometimes parenting exists in the grey area where we do the best we can with the information, worries, and imperfect human brains we have.
And maybe breaking the cycle doesn’t mean parenting perfectly. Maybe it means reflecting, learning, repairing, and trying again tomorrow.
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